‘Dear Uncle Grumps...’ It’s been sheer agony giving our advice

The Old Grumpies aim to give agony aunts like Marje Proops (pictured) a run for their money...
The Old Grumpies aim to give agony aunts like Marje Proops (pictured) a run for their money...

At our recent meeting we had to deal with the response to our last article when we offered to provide an Agony Uncle column for anyone who wanted some expert advice on their problems.

Under the heading Dear Uncle Grumps we got a wide range of requests but many of them started “I’m just writing on behalf of a friend…” and we suspected that some of them were from our own members and that some of the names had been invented. Nevertheless here’s some examples.

“Dear Uncle Grumps: It’s got to a stage now at football matches that I don’t know what abuse I’m allowed to shout at the referee without being arrested. Any suggestions? Yours, Frank Lee.”

We replied: “Dear Mr Lee. It’s obvious that you are going to have to use words that are not in the dictionary such as “twassock” or you could invent a word that is a combination of all your favourite shouts. If you want to play it totally safe then it has to be “the referee’s a really naughty boy”.

“Dear Uncle Grumps: My wife keeps telling me that I’m completely useless and the worst possible example of a male chauvinist pig. She says she gets more use out of the compost heap in the garden than she gets from me. What should I do? Yours, Charlie Heap.”

We replied: “Dear Mr Heap, What you say seems perfectly normal to us, so what’s the problem?”

“Dear Uncle Grumps I’ve just moved into the Hebden Bridge area and I wonder if you could give me some guidance as to how I can quickly be absorbed into the ambience and cultural habits of the local people. Could you point me in the right direction please? Yours Lesley Bonn”

We replied: “Dear Ms Bonn, Sorry but there’s no one amongst us sufficiently qualified or experienced enough to be able to give you any advice at all.”

“Dear Uncle Grumps: I really hate going to school. I get bullied and shouted at and nobody takes any notice of me. What can I do? Yours (name and address supplied).”

We replied: “Dear ‘Jack’, You really will have to pull yourself together. As headteacher you should not be so paranoid.”

“Dear Uncle Grumps: I’ve just heard that someone has discovered that sprinkling a small amount of TNT on your porridge every morning is a good way of curing arthritis. Could you ask your doctor member if this is true? Yours Ivor Hope.”

We replied: “Dear Mr Hope, our Doctor says that indeed there was a case sometime ago when a patient did use a small dose of the explosive you mentioned every morning for four years and it proved very successful and effected a cure. When the patient died he left £100.000 to the British Arthritis Society and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium wall.”

Keep them coming...