Old Grumpies: What would you whisper in Mrs May’s ear?

The group discussed advice its members would give to the Prime Minister
The group discussed advice its members would give to the Prime Minister

The Chairman ruled the first seven suggestions as both inappropriate and unhelpful, but gradually the concerns about Brexit and, after a variety of opinions had been posted and experiences abroad were exchanged, it was soon agreed that the first thing we would say would be “Don’t trust the foreigners”.

If the Europeans tell her that Britain must honour its obligations to Europe and the treaties, she should say, “Why don’t you? Oh, and have a word with Spain when you’ve a minute”.

Referring to whether you could trust other nations, a member said “It is pretty bad form if the French blighters would stoop so low as to cheat at rugger”. We knew he was referring to the recent rugby match against Wales and we all nodded. We also thought it was important that if she wanted to learn anything about the Germans she shouldn’t ask Ken Livingstone for his opinion.

When one member said he thought it would be safer to have another referendum he was shot down in flames. “Well why not have the best of three, or five, or just toss for it,” he was asked.

He replied that he thought people voted in ignorance of the facts, but was assured that is quite normal and always happens in elections and referendums.

Then a member said that he would whisper in Theresa May’s ear and tell her to bring back capital punishment.

We all knew it wouldn’t be a whisper but he went on to produce a Mikado type list of people who would be his candidates.

Although none of the members present at the meeting were on the list, it certainly seemed that one or two were borderline.

Then he said he would tell her what to do with men who father numerous children and then walk away and expect us to pay for them.

He didn’t say precisely what she should do to them, but we were fairly sure that it would involve the use of scissors. Someone then said that he would tell Theresa May to apply all her feminine charms, use the ability that women have to multitask, to stay calm at all times and not become aggressive, and to think rationally under pressure. Attributes absent in most men, it seems. Adding that she could also threaten to give them a good slapping even though she was a women. The chairman intervened and said he was very worried that the Masculine Movement would become aware of what we have said, start yelling and shouting that we were sexists and insist that we all lose our jobs.

Deciding on the quiet life the member withdrew his remarks and hoped that no one would tell his wife. Just before the meeting ended we were asked if we had seen the notices around Todmorden’s country roads telling us to watch out for the frogs. “No, I haven’t,” said a member. “But it sounds like something we should whisper in Theresa May’s ear”.