Our recent meeting was the AGM and it was predicable that the attendance would be poor from past experiences.
We also knew the excuses for non-attendance would be a variety of old ones, new ones, loved ones and neglected ones. One member said he had to take his wife to the vets but we wondered if this was a euphemism for something else. Another said he had been told that he had to worm the cat, but no one realised he had a cat and if he had, we felt sure he wouldn’t know how to do it. A wife rang in to say her husband’s back was giving him a lot of trouble, but this time we knew it would be true because his back goes out more times than he does.
Another excuse came from a member who has suffered a lot from an elbow injury which he sustained in an arm-wrestling match. Every so often it swells up and he can hardly bend it. But, undaunted, the Chairman did his best to carry out his duties. For every year now he had said he thought it would be better if he resigned but usually resisted any effort to unseat him. This year there had been two new nominations put forward but the Chairman made it clear that all nominations have to be on the correct form and signed with black pens. He said that the constitution is clear on the matter and because they had been signed with blue ink, he dismissed them and was re-elected, on his casting vote.
Knowing that the meeting would be short and no other business allowed at an A.G.M, a member who is an expert genealogist had been asked to do some research on Nicola Sturgeon and determine whether the rumour that she is a love child of The Crankies was true, or just another unsubstantiated piece of English mischief. He outlined the problems he had faced when he contacted the Scottish Office. First of all he was asked if he had a recent democratic mandate for his enquiries, whether he was from the press and made up all those stories about the price of oil, that the EU would not beg them to re-join after independence and whether he was related to Teresa May. Before he could answer these questions he was told that all the problems with the present situation is because Teresa May will not agree to all the things Ms Sturgeon demands. Understandably, he felt he could not make any progress, although he did admit that if you look closely you could detect some similarities with The Crankies. Scotland was discussed briefly and we came to the conclusion that if we want them to stay in the Union we should tell them to clear off to Europe as soon as possible. Then they would shout, “ Don’t tell us what to do” and just to be awkward, vote against Independence.
There was a moment that caused a sharp intake of breath from one or two members when someone said that despite all the problems in the world we had a lot to be thankful for and “couldn’t really complain.” He was reminded that the whole point of our existence was to grumble and complain about all and sundry. When he said that due to political correctness, easily insulted groups of people, some lawyers, ignorant judgementalists and his wife, he was reluctant to express his views as fully as he would like.
The Chairman was just about to close the meeting when the phone went and a member was heard apologising for his absence from the meeting. He said he had gone to the police station as a public spirited member of the public when he had seen a poster which had a large photograph and said ‘Have you seen this man. Please contact the police’. He had gone to the police station as soon as he could, and said ‘No. Sorry’.