I WOULD like you to pass on my immense gratitude to the amazing Ruben Skyjuice for his warning to Geminians recently, for Monday, August 15’s, monumental event.
I was indeed sitting quietly at my dining table, eating my (vegetarian) ravioli, curtains closed against the tea-time sun (well, vampires do have to be careful of these things). As the sun was beginning to fade, I thought I heard a faint noise that sounded like thunder in the distance.
I wasn’t wearing my hearing aids at the time so imagine my surprise when I drew back the curtains and saw a thronging mass waiting for me to lift my next forkful from plate to mouth. As I did so, I realised that the distant thunder was the applause of the crowd in my garden, accompanied by cheers so loud that they must have been heard in Littleborough.
Well, I must say I was slightly embarrassed to be recognised at last as Todmorden’s long- lost celebrity (even though I’ve been waiting ten years for just such an event), so I moved to another room, accompanied by my half-eaten plate of ravioli and my cat, Fraidy.
Just when I was beginning to think I had escaped the adulation of the many, to my utter gratification - oops, sorry - mortification, would you believe an even bigger throng was waiting, and they cheered and clapped even louder. Well, I said to Fraidy, there’s only one place in this house that I can guarantee will be a true place of refuge.
I remembered Ruben’s words of warning that things would reach a low-point when I needed the loo, but I really needed to go, and besides, what could possibly go wrong there, in the smallest room in the house?
So off I went, closing the door securely behind me.
As I began to perform my natural bodily functions, I heard the biggest cheer of all go up outside the window, and the horrific realisation suddenly dawned upon me - I had forgotten to close the blind, and had, well...how can I put it...been caught with my pants down.
That’ll teach me to spend years begging for fame (if not fortune) to find me and in future I will indeed pay very close attention to Ruben’s warnings. O me miseram...